Sitting On the Floor, on a Tuesday that happens to be Valentines Day, I Pause and Reflect on Life and the Fact that I Might Be Crazy

Lately, I have been talking to myself in the car
and in my room
and in hallways
and on sidewalks
and in coffee shops where I forget that I’m not invisible

Its what I do when I have a lot on my plate,
and, currently, I have a thousand decisions to carry out,
really just a small handful, but they all just seem so daunting
so, on top of holding conversations with myself,
when I think too much, I drink too much coffee
and although I’d like to claim to have a high tolerance for it
I bounce off walls and start making strange noises
and the only person that understands me at that state is my roommate
and she is crazy too

Speaking of bounce, I am bouncing back from a week that had me feeling
close to the Lord and distant from him at the same time
But, In that I learned a large lesson:
obedience and patience are not my strong suit
and God will go to great lengths to teach them to me

Which, makes my heart feel crazy.
like its bouncing around inside my chest
fighting my flesh
and really excited for what God has in front of me
but at the same time unsure about his methods of getting me there
and not particularly a fan of his timing,
gosh, his perfect timing
that I NEVER seem to understand
until way after the fact.

So, I lay in my bed
and try to reason with Him,
the almighty God,
which IS crazy and ridiculous
and after about five minutes
He doesn’t necessarily tell me why He is working the way He is
but what He does tell me
is that He knows EVERYTHING
and I know Him
and that is more than enough
for today
for tomorrow
for eternity

and then I start thinking about eternity
with Him, no sin, no fighting flesh, no asking why
just peace, and joy, and worship face to face,
and my head gets dizzy
and the whole world turns upside down
and I can’t wrap my head around anything
and suddenly, my mind…

…goes crazy again
but, this time, its the good kind of crazy.