Today I woke up rested.
I woke up in joy. Not with it, in it. I’m not quite sure if that is the right way to explain it, but like many things the true meaning gets lost in transition along the way from heart to brain to words. I didn’t even mean to, but I found myself taking in each moment separately. From the continued thankfulness of new friends that I did not expect, to my Christmas-in-a-cup coffee and morning class that was filled with somewhat inappropriate laughter, to my afternoon of dancing in and out of step with consciousness on a couch with perfect lighting and the rare feeling of home. I sat with no agenda and no worries; perfectly content staring at the rain as it hit the outside table.
It was clear in that moment that the beauty of God I occasionally become still enough to marvel at, is only a fraction of what he actually possesses. I opened my mouth to utter a silent prayer and found no words. I had nothing to say. What could possibly describe that.
Fast-forward a few hours. I move from a couch to a bigger room with more people, no rain, and less lighting. I sat in between opposites and tried to balance conversations with both of them.
Music starts.
I stand.
I like the first song.
I like the guitar part in the second song.
I don’t like the third song.
Something feels off.
I sit.
I pray.
I listen.
I pray again.
Music starts.
Some thing is very wrong.
I cannot stand.
I cannot sing.
I put my elbows on my knees, stare forward, and contemplate my week
If I were to be honest I would tell you I spent most of it in hidden frustration. Too afraid to be myself and sometimes afraid that I don’t even know what that is anyways. I walked in and out of conversations consumed with only me in mind. I spent a lot of time wondering whether I was too awkward or not. My heart jumped and ached at the sight of a passing tan colored Tacoma, but remained unmoved by the daily presence of my creator. I was consumed with memories I can’t decide if I want to keep or let go of. I toyed with the idea of settling because I’m not patient enough to let God take his time. I repeatedly talked about God’s grace and continued to wallow in shame. I tried to claim to myself I’d been a good witness when a half-drunk acquaintance noticed a difference in my character, but the truth is I was more preoccupied with the person he had referenced to than I was with the fact he was so very lost. It should have been heartbreaking. I ignored things God specifically asked me to do. I judged. I was a fool. And If were really honest, then I would tell you this isn’t even half the story.
In conclusion, I lived in blatant self-centeredness and the Christ that lives in me was over-shadowed by it. I opened my mouth to utter something that was a mix of “I’m sorry” and “I love you” but nothing came and nothing seemed fit. After five minutes, I managed to say something.
“I’ve done nothing for your Kingdom this week”
It was true. I repeated it a few times just to make sure I understood the weight of it.
I found myself walking out of the room, out of the building, and straight across campus. I sat down on the steps in the middle of campus and began to pray for every building and everyone in sight. I had a choice to either feel guilty about the week, or get up and do something about it. I guess I chose to do something. I don’t remember moving my own feet. God must have brought me there. It did not make up for what I did not do, but it was better than sulking in my failure. I’m amazed at the way God continues to mend me and at the same time break me.
I ended my day with new music, friends, and some lake Nac adventures. Lots of laughing, lots of neat pictures, and lots of stars.
I continue to lie in the wake of his blessings
But today I was aware of how unworthy I was of it all
The story will be the same tomorrow.
Immensely blessed and beyond unworthy.
All the time.
