Sitting On the Floor, on a Tuesday that happens to be Valentines Day, I Pause and Reflect on Life and the Fact that I Might Be Crazy

Lately, I have been talking to myself in the car
and in my room
and in hallways
and on sidewalks
and in coffee shops where I forget that I’m not invisible

Its what I do when I have a lot on my plate,
and, currently, I have a thousand decisions to carry out,
really just a small handful, but they all just seem so daunting
so, on top of holding conversations with myself,
when I think too much, I drink too much coffee
and although I’d like to claim to have a high tolerance for it
I bounce off walls and start making strange noises
and the only person that understands me at that state is my roommate
and she is crazy too

Speaking of bounce, I am bouncing back from a week that had me feeling
close to the Lord and distant from him at the same time
But, In that I learned a large lesson:
obedience and patience are not my strong suit
and God will go to great lengths to teach them to me

Which, makes my heart feel crazy.
like its bouncing around inside my chest
fighting my flesh
and really excited for what God has in front of me
but at the same time unsure about his methods of getting me there
and not particularly a fan of his timing,
gosh, his perfect timing
that I NEVER seem to understand
until way after the fact.

So, I lay in my bed
and try to reason with Him,
the almighty God,
which IS crazy and ridiculous
and after about five minutes
He doesn’t necessarily tell me why He is working the way He is
but what He does tell me
is that He knows EVERYTHING
and I know Him
and that is more than enough
for today
for tomorrow
for eternity

and then I start thinking about eternity
with Him, no sin, no fighting flesh, no asking why
just peace, and joy, and worship face to face,
and my head gets dizzy
and the whole world turns upside down
and I can’t wrap my head around anything
and suddenly, my mind…

…goes crazy again
but, this time, its the good kind of crazy.

I Live on Church Property

There are good and bad things that come along with having the church parking lot as my back yard. For example, a bad thing is that on occasion the youth kids who have Sunday school in our living room decide to have donut hole wars. I’m sure they are fun in the moment, but when I find them a week later under my couch, its gets gross. A good thing though, is that I have keys. There is a sense of power that comes with the ability to unlock doors. But I don’t abuse it. I use it to escape.

I adore that where I live is a place that is rarely locked, where people come in and out, sleep on our couch, nap on our love sac, and leave notes on our fridge. Its community at its most abundant and I wouldn’t trade it, because I know that this proximity with people only lasts for a season. But It does mean, that when I want to really get alone with the Lord I have to search for a place, which makes it more of a journey, and a little bit more exciting. It’s like He and I have a secret date. I feel like a kid every time whispering to a classmate… “Ok, yeah… 3 o’ clock, don’t let anyone else follow… secret tree house. See you there!”

Yesterday was one of those days where I planned a time and place and looked forward to it all day. My loud, busy day grew still as coffee mugs clanked on the kitchen counter, bibles closed, and groups of laughing girls said goodbye and walked out my front and back door until they were all gone. I sat on one of the many couches in the living room and slumped down to stare at the ceiling and looked at my watch. 9:00. I had a date with God in an hour. I had a little food and took a shower and put on the comfiest pair of sweatpants that I don’t own (they are my roommates) stuck my hair in a very wet messy bun and threw on someone’s TOMS (I’m not sure what is mine in that house anymore). I snuck out of my room and there still wasn’t anyone in the house so I stuck my jacket on, grabbed keys, and went out our back door. It was cold so I walked quickly across the parking lot, making sure I didn’t see anyone and then walked up and slowly unlocked the sanctuary doors and opened them. It was dark inside except for the moonlight coming through the windows. It was so quiet that my thoughts were echoing of the walls. I walked up the middle isle and plopped down front and center. This was the moment I had been looking forward to all day. I took a deep breath in. Then we talked. Laughed. Were silent. Got serious. Smiled. I Asked. Thanked. Obeyed. Listened. And sat still. So still that I felt suspended in a single moment and a peace which transcends everything, filled through ever crevice of my lungs as I breathed deeply and praised him openly. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't even care. And then I got up and put my shoes back on, and He walked me all the way back to my bed. And it was the best date I’ve ever had.