listening to the Holy Spirit go straight for my heart.
He spoke firmly, but softly.
Tossing very weighted words at me gently.
There were tears, but only because when the Holy Spirit speaks like that, it’s really the only appropriate reaction.
I wasn’t thriving off of emotion; I was thriving off a command.
A command that was eloquently spoken through a man of God who has wisdom, incredible stories, and insight, but that can also be perfectly summed up into one statement:
live a life worthy of the gospel.
Afterwards, I could have spent the next hour talking about my feelings,
but I felt it more fitting to spend that time in prayer.
Somewhere within the prayer, I said the following
“If I do not seriously begin to pursue you and share you, then please take me, because I desperately don’t want to be a waste of your glory.”
It was a difficult thing to write down.
I let it sink into the pages and into my heart before I got up.
As I got up I noticed a girl a few yards away to my right and heard God speak
“pray for her.“
So as I stood I began to pray for her and walk away.
“NO, pray for her.”
I knew what he meant, but I was already halfway past her. Plus, she was obviously older than I, early 30's, and I noticed she had on a volunteer t-shirt. Praying from a distance seemed fully sufficient. I've prayed for strangers before, it wasn't fear, I was just too comfortable with justifying my reasons for not approaching her. Awkwardness. Inconvenience.
I got a few feet farther and my legs went still.
“If you are not even willing to pray over a fellow believer when I ask, then what are you willing to do for me?”
My heart dropped and pressed down against my stomach and ribs. The weight of what I had just written in my journal became unbearable. I turned around immediately and did what he asked with a unsteady voice and barely dry eyes. I take no credit or pride in it. In fact, I’m overwhelmingly ashamed that I obeyed out of fear and not desire.
“If you are not even willing to pray over a fellow believer when I ask, then what are you willing to do for me?”
My heart dropped and pressed down against my stomach and ribs. The weight of what I had just written in my journal became unbearable. I turned around immediately and did what he asked with a unsteady voice and barely dry eyes. I take no credit or pride in it. In fact, I’m overwhelmingly ashamed that I obeyed out of fear and not desire.
To see how easily I was able to question and ignore a demand from the God that allows me each breath was sobering. For the first time I understand what willingness looks like, and I see how much I severely lack it. I want to live a life worthy of the gospel, but that is a fruitless desire if I don't have the willingness to do whatever that entails.
I hope He never has to ask me that question again.
but I’m thankful that He did.
No comments:
Post a Comment