routine

So, I run frequently.
Normally it’s somewhere around 5 days a week.

I get asked if I enjoy it, and I say yes, but truly it’s quite complicated.
When I start a long run, I begin by anticipating this thing my ankles do right when I get going--its like they give out for a second and its painful, but it happens quickly and passes, then I am good for another ten minutes. Somewhere in the middle of the second mile I want to stop very badly, but instead I suck it up and finish, then I keep going anywhere from 3 to 5 miles and everything is pretty steady, including the pain, but it feels good. Then about 15 yards from my stopping point, things get rough. I just want to die a little, but instead, I sprint. I book it until I’m breathing so hard I could give Darth Vader a run for his money.

I usually run around the track of the football stadium at night. I have gone to one game in the past two years, so I figure I should visit it often during its off-season to let it know I still care. Plus, there are always ultimate Frisbee players out as well, which makes me feel safer at night.

So, back to the last sprint.
When I finish I know you are supposed to walk or “cool-down”
Well, whatever. I just collapse.

And here is the part I love.
I lie there staring at the stars.
I’m in this state of exhaustion/euphoria right before the endorphins kick in and when I stare upwards, if I focus my eyes the right way, it feels like I am balancing the night sky on the tip of my nose. As if I have to be careful how hard I breathe otherwise things might slip off balance.

This is the moment I find God so frustratingly close I can hardly stand it.
So close, in fact, that I feel like we are having an invisible staring contest.
So close that I don’t find it ridiculous to ask him to give me a quick tour of space
and even promise that I would keep it a secret.
So close that I don’t have much to say so I just sigh and hope he understands it
So close that I am able to see for a split second the shortness of the 80 years or so I have on this earth and beg for it to go quickly or for Him to come back sooner.

Then the moment passes and I get distracted by being able to see my own breath
and get too cold to lie there any longer,
look at my watch and tell myself its late
So, I get up slowly and jog back home.
and do the same thing the next day

and no matter how many times that moment happens
there is nothing that feels routine about it.

Lately, I live my life

through window light
eating cereal
in running shoes
timing miles
disciplined
paying attention
enjoying classes
writing lesson plans
feeling secretly nervous
laughing at myself
learning how to live with other people
learning to listen to wordless conversations
praying fervently
staring at beautiful spots of light
trying to explain it
traveling on weekends
riding a bicycle
drinking coffee
reading in quantities equivalent to the amount of coffee I drink
getting lost in books and mourning the end of them
staring at my dust covered journal
reattaching my bible cover several times a week
daydreaming
nightdreaming
waking up early
taking walks
turning off lights
asking questions
receiving answers
on pinterest
looking through a lens
pretending I know what I’m doing
sifting through memories
watching things turn black and white
watching things develop

Awkward Sleepover Situations

So, I recently moved into a house with two other girls.

Katy and Caitie. (Yeah, I know, life gets confusing)

Caitie decided to paint her room, and to do such, she had to take everything out and at night she would take my roommate Katy's bed while Katy slept in mine with me. I've always had my own full sized bed, so I wasn't exactly used to someone else in it. Over the course of the week, I took note of all of the things that would happen in the course of the night. And these are just a few of the common situations I woke up to, or found myself in.

Lets start off with a classic.

Some people have no sense of spatial relationships and really struggle to sleep in a position that is normal to everyone else. They start out straight, but then somehow subconsciously move into a diagonal position, leaving you the option of having a hand in your face and your feet touching theirs, or curling up into the tiny triangle left for you on the bed. I chose the triangle.

and then there is...

I'm pretty sure this happens to everyone. I always face outward when I sleep and for some reason there is a magnetic pull to the middle of the bed. And if there happens to be someone else there. Well, this happens. Sometimes you can inch away before the other person wakes up, but if you wake up simultaneously, it can get awkward.

also, closely related to the butt touch...

Yeah.. Waking up because you can feel the breath of the other person hitting your face. Not ok.

and this is my personal favorite.

I was always the last to fall asleep at sleepovers growing up. I'm that girl who turned off the movie in the end because I was the last one awake. I always could figure out who snored, or drooled, or... sleep talked. My favorite is trying to carry on conversations with the person.

Try it.

and then last, but definitely not least

No sense of spatial awareness asleep AND awake. Sometimes they are subtle, inching towards you slowly... other times they are completely shameless and carelessly grab your arm and cuddle it like a teddy bear. Thats the approach my roommate likes to take, as shown above.

Eventually the room got painted everyone went back to normal (and to their own beds) but I must say, it made for an entertaining week.

simple

I haven't written in quite some time. Mainly from lack of time, but also from lack of event. But, alas, there have been changes.

I have recently moved into a house with two other girls. Its yellow. and its a completely new concept for me to live with friends. The place still feels somewhere in between familiar and home. It leans towards one or the other depending on the time of day. Overall, life feels simple. I tend to overcomplicate times of simplicity. I assume that I don't have the ability to just be still. I am so used to dealing with waves of challenges that I go in search of them. They make for some very witty and metaphoric blog material. but today I will accept it. I am still and simple.

...My biggest problem is agreeing with my roommate on a color to paint the bathroom

...It may take a while.

Oh. here are my roommates.

We soaked our tired summer feet laughing and discussing shampoo and nose rings.

temporary insomnia

It is an untimely hour for me to be awake.

I've become less of a night owl over the past few months.

I've tried to pretend like I still am a few times and I always pay for it later.

but here I am, at 2:32am, wide awake.

I tried sleeping, but I couldn't get comfortable.

I turned in to at least twenty different positions

before giving into one that still didn't feel right.

then I started thinking too much.

the words, thoughts, and pictures of my mind started to press in on my eyelids.

everything felt way too close, I stiffened and felt as though I needed breathing room.

is it possible for your brain to become claustrophobic?

I thought I was going to be crushed by own consciousness, so I quickly opened my eyes.

I could breathe easy again

my medium sized room felt like a huge open field

dark with the moon coming in through the blinds.

I didn't want to shut my eyes again.

So, here I am, at 2:41, wide awake.

I guess this is what I get for reading fiction before bed.

Oh, its July.

If it were not for the fourth, I wouldn't have realized another month has passed.

I live in overnight bags and fall asleep reading books

I'm attached to my backpack, and almost always 5 minutes late for countless coffee dates.

I get up early for staff meetings, and stay up late planning for bible studies

I eat cereal out of mugs on the drive to work, and then sometimes cereal again for a late dinner.

I spend just about all my time with high school students, or married people with toddlers.

I honestly enjoy every minute of it. It gets hectic, and sometimes I feel like I run around kind of mindlessly, but I love where I am at. I am learning more than I have time to realize. I assume that most of it will click sometime in October.

The best way I can describe it is like driving.

Taking mindless right turns on some form of auto-pilot

I find myself halfway down the highway and I don't even remember going up the on-ramp.

In the same way, I am finally letting the Lord take me where I am going

My focus has shifted from tracking mileage to appreciating the landscape

Focusing on Christ rather than worrying about the details of the journey.

I am enjoying July.

Flashback

This morning I listened to Brooke Fraser. I wore out her album last year. I practically had it on repeat all last summer. It always reminds me of my trip to Africa. I am really missing those kids today. Sweet Matthew was always singing, so I made him sing on camera for me.