temporary insomnia

It is an untimely hour for me to be awake.

I've become less of a night owl over the past few months.

I've tried to pretend like I still am a few times and I always pay for it later.

but here I am, at 2:32am, wide awake.

I tried sleeping, but I couldn't get comfortable.

I turned in to at least twenty different positions

before giving into one that still didn't feel right.

then I started thinking too much.

the words, thoughts, and pictures of my mind started to press in on my eyelids.

everything felt way too close, I stiffened and felt as though I needed breathing room.

is it possible for your brain to become claustrophobic?

I thought I was going to be crushed by own consciousness, so I quickly opened my eyes.

I could breathe easy again

my medium sized room felt like a huge open field

dark with the moon coming in through the blinds.

I didn't want to shut my eyes again.

So, here I am, at 2:41, wide awake.

I guess this is what I get for reading fiction before bed.

Oh, its July.

If it were not for the fourth, I wouldn't have realized another month has passed.

I live in overnight bags and fall asleep reading books

I'm attached to my backpack, and almost always 5 minutes late for countless coffee dates.

I get up early for staff meetings, and stay up late planning for bible studies

I eat cereal out of mugs on the drive to work, and then sometimes cereal again for a late dinner.

I spend just about all my time with high school students, or married people with toddlers.

I honestly enjoy every minute of it. It gets hectic, and sometimes I feel like I run around kind of mindlessly, but I love where I am at. I am learning more than I have time to realize. I assume that most of it will click sometime in October.

The best way I can describe it is like driving.

Taking mindless right turns on some form of auto-pilot

I find myself halfway down the highway and I don't even remember going up the on-ramp.

In the same way, I am finally letting the Lord take me where I am going

My focus has shifted from tracking mileage to appreciating the landscape

Focusing on Christ rather than worrying about the details of the journey.

I am enjoying July.

Flashback

This morning I listened to Brooke Fraser. I wore out her album last year. I practically had it on repeat all last summer. It always reminds me of my trip to Africa. I am really missing those kids today. Sweet Matthew was always singing, so I made him sing on camera for me.

8 Newly Discovered or Desired things

1. Grapefruits. I have half of one every morning for breakfast nowadays.

2. Pinterest. Its addicting.

3. Kitchenaid Mixer. Never in my life have I desired a kitchen appliance, until now.

4. Polaroids. I just bought film for my camera. I can't wait to use it.

5. Acrylic Ink. My new friend paints with it. I'm going to be a copy cat.

6. Freestanding bathtubs. Someday, I want one in my house.

7. Mexican Firebushes. My host family just planted some in the backyard. BEAUTIFUL.

8. Baby Pandas. I really want one. Really.

a civil war

I woke up a few mornings ago to find that I had fallen asleep with the lamp on.

On rare occasions I decide to rest my eyes with a book in hand and thus is the result.

I also love to leave the blinds open.

So as I opened my eyes I found myself between two different types of light

conflicting elements hitting different shoulders.

at war it seemed, with myself as the unclaimed territory; the bed the battlefield.

I feel as though my heart is at war also.

maybe not war, that seems too intense,

but rather at odds.

pulling in different directions.

holding multiple opinions.

toying with ideas that are purposed similarly

but in fact are worlds different.

much like sunlight and tungsten.

I can see the light from both sides.

but things begin to blend in the middle.

how do you separate light from light?

I assume just pray for the Spirit to bring clarity.

Watching Dust Settle

my creativity seems to be at a halt, so this is mainly going to be straight experience. If you are lucky, I will throw in a metaphor or two.

I am in a half full Starbucks in the middle of Kingwood, Texas.
In a little less than an hour, I will head over to church and start setting up.

I feel caught up for the first time in give or take six months.
I am not procrastinating with schoolwork
I am not suppressing feelings
I’m not impatiently waiting to get to the next place.

I am here.
Settled, not just physically, but overall.
the irony is that of all of the places I will live this year,
this will be the most temporary.

I feel that I am at a standstill.
watching all this dust that has been kicked up float in clouds back to the ground.
most of it I kicked up myself.
out of surprise, anxiety, and my tendency to jump the gun.
and unfortunately, sometimes out of straight rebellion.
Now that the picture is a bit clearer
I’m reevaluating some of my actions.

Yesterday I was at a cookout.
There was a two year old there.
Very sweet little boy.
He was eager to swim.
Naturally, his parents kept a close eye on him and frequently reminded him that he was not to go towards the pool until Daddy was there to get in with him.
As we were all sitting and eating,
after a few denied pleas to get in the pool
he squirmed from his moms lap and made a b-line for the water.
his little feet had barely hit the water before his dad scooped him up.
His dad informed him that he was to sit in timeout with mom for a while.
In agony, he waited for what seemed to him eternity,
he cried and got angry, he tried to squirm out again.
Then came time for the daddy talk.
Although I do not know the content of this conversation,
I watched it from afar and contemplated on similar conversations.

This dad loves his son dearly.
dearly enough to keep him as far away from getting hurt as humanly possible.
deep enough to keep him safe even when the son is angry and doesn’t understand.
enough to take time to discipline him.
and despite misbehavior, that I’m sure is happens everyday,
(as with all toddlers)
Dad loves him.
Dad provides for him.
Dad even gives beyond need and blesses the son with what he wants.

God and I have a similar relationship.
as I cannonball into forbidden water,
God continues to provide.

and as the ripples smooth
and as I get older
the more it makes absolutely no sense to me why he would do this.
the more I wonder why he isn’t taking everything away.
the more I hate my own sin
the more I am in awe of unconditional love.
the more I come to the conclusion that there is no conclusion that will make sense to my finite mind.

as much as I would like to squirm out of my fathers lap,
out of shame and guilt,

it is impossible to escape from the love that I am wrapped in.

dust settles around me.
and the mess blows somewhere east.
If I sit here long enough,
He will eventually show me what He intends for me,
I just need to be still enough to see it.

in the midst

When I think back on things
I usually catch glimpses of in betweens.
where my mind had the time and space
to capture moments and store them for later
as reference points.

in between classes, in transit, often hurry
catching details: leaves, squirrels, purple shirts
walking, sometimes running, upstairs and downstairs,
and getting turned around in a building I should know by now.
Time filled with reminders, library books,
and to-do lists on the palm of my hand

in between lines of scripture
in the turn of pages and the smoothing of creases
where a pause became unexpected, but much needed stillness
in the throws of flesh and spirit,
with fatigue and hunger for a God
whom I know I should have listened to more often.

In between places
with maps and hand written directions
204, 59, 69, 20
where the sun rose and set on Hawaiian seat covers
where I sang loudly and cried occasionally
because sometimes travel felt more like home.

In the middle of afternoons
between meal schedules I never could follow
where time was judged by the light through windows
where coffee was welcomed
where moments of tension didn’t quite match the scenery.
Holding chapstick, car keys, and sometimes my breath
waiting on a chance meeting, or lunch date, but wanting a nap

In those few hours where days overlap
where 1am felt more like 13pm
where conversations were longer
beckoned by moonlight, rolling through stoplights.
and laughs with silly, tired, friends were deeper,
because everything was funny and no one knew why.

And here again I approach another
this may be it,
I’m almost certain.

Another time in the middle of then and now:
missing people who haven’t left
loving ideas that haven’t quite developed
dreading struggles not yet identified
placing objects where other objects still lie
reclaiming territory piece by piece

my heart is making a leap towards Summer,
ripping away from a Spring that I don’t even remember,
because I spent so much of its time deciphering a long Autumn.

because this is my life
continually split into thirds
little room to breath or remember
but, alas, I move on

I collect these moments
and pocket them for later.