Too bad it doesn't work like this...

Standing on the Edge of Something Large

So I’ve just embarked on a new year of my life.
It’s making me more contemplative, obviously.
I spent the last seconds of being nineteen doing laundry and having a conversation about noncommittal socks (those things never want to stay together).
I think part of getting older is that every mundane task suddenly has life application.
Birthday weekend was wonderful. No real agenda. That’s my favorite.

Sunday I decided to take a Sabbath.
I slept in late, then woke up and spent a long time in scripture
I read through the end of Matthew
Passover, Betrayal, Arrest, Denial, Crucifixion, Death, Burial, Resurrection
suddenly, nothing else mattered.
I was heavy, but in a humbled way, not a painful way.
When aware of something so large, everything else seems so trivial.
It’s like trying to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon,
then boast about the pain and joy of your year.
You just aren’t going to do that.
You are going to stand there in awe of what’s in front of you.

When I’m so fully aware of the cross
The only appropriate response is to be still
I find it so frustrating that this does not happen as often as it should.
Because as a believer I become so issue driven.
Let me explain.
I have this consuming desire to fix my problems;
a desire to become disciplined.
a desire to over-spiritualize answers
a desire to overcome everything

And over time I’ve made myself believe that I’m caught in this huge catch-22:
I can’t gain Christ without discipline
I can’t gain discipline without Christ.

BUT reality is that the first line of the statement above is not true.
there is no need to gain what I already fully have.

I’m just now seeing that this is just some kind of twisted legalism I’ve held myself under.
I have taken my eyes off of the objective evidence of God's love for me.
There is no level of performance or perfection I have to reach to be accepted by the Lord
The only way sin, fear, and doubt, lose their power,
is when JESUS becomes more lovely than the thought of overcoming the sin, fear, and doubt

I claim this incredible freedom of the Cross,
but still am in bondage trying (on my own accord)
to unravel my mess and make myself presentable to the Lord.
Now does that make any sense?
No. Because CHRIST is the only reason God can even look in my direction.
I am covered.

So rather than pursue discipline for Christ.
Its time to pursue Christ.
there is a massive difference.

Self Portrait

A time, a place, a state of heart,
an ever fleeting work of art.
I love, I lose, I fall apart,
You pick up pieces; recapture, restart.

Desire to stay, desire to go,
But still, desire, I hardly know.
So torn between the things I claim,
The things that I want; such a selfish game.

Within this flesh I lie awake,
But dead to it, yearning, I wait.
I am at home; home I am not
A relative term (that’s what I’ve been taught).

Use me, love me, and know me still
Despite what I want, I do want your will.
While I am here, here I am yours
So today, it is you I will choose to adore.

The Carls

This is only a third of them, but I'm obsessed with this family.

Sisters

brothers

Zach

Amy

Unacknowledged Resemblance

The Experiment

A Journal Misplaced (Hyperbole and a Half Tribute)

It was Sunday night. I was driving home from an evening of

Crosspoint and hanging out with friends.

Content. Reflecting on my weekend. Enjoying the car ride. Even singing some.

Suddenly, I glanced over to my passenger seat

and noticed that not everything had made its way back into my car.

Purse, Check. Phone, Check. Bible&Journal...

NOT THERE.

I was slightly worried

I couldn't remember leaving it anywhere, but surely it was somewhere safe.

I decided to worry about in the morning.

So that next morning

I remembered that I had probably left it at my friends house.

The yellow house.

Nice girls live there.

I love them.

I expected to walk in and it be there on the table.

Unfortunately, this was NOT the case.

It went a little something like this.

I then immediately checked all the alternative places it could possibly be.

Sad and defeated, I left the house and got back in my car.

While in my car, I realized that this was bigger than just not having my journal.

This means that my journal was floating out there somewhere!

All those secret thoughts and words!

Likely to fall in the hands of strangers.. or even friends!

I sat there, letting fear overtake my mind.

I became quite distraught.

And although I wish I could tell you this has a happy ending,

Unfortunately, that is not the story my friends.

My journal is still somewhere out there.

Helpless, scared, and alone.

two truths and a lie(s)

It is a nice little game I play every morning when I wake up
it goes like this.
3 options. Two true. One not. Now figure it out.

truth #1: the gospel. Jesus. Who Christ is, what he has done, the overarching truth. It never fails; it never changes. I can always identify it and I don’t doubt it.

truth #2: the truth about me. the truth about: who I am in Christ, where I am with Christ, where He wants me, how He values me, what He has placed in me, the way He has made me to glorify Him.

lie #1: the lie about me. The lie about: who I am, where I should be, where my value lies, how I don’t measure up, the state of my heart. It’s more than one lie. It’s usually multiple lies. Satan’s the author and he is terribly convincing.

Now…

Truth #1 is hardly doubted, its a constant.
then there is a choice to make between Truth #2 and Lie #1. They aren’t usually labeled like this, so deciphering them is difficult. Most days I try to make the choice on my own:

comparing the two,

drawing conclusions,

making assumptions,

all from my own wisdom.

Sometimes I’m wise enough to guess correctly.

sometimes, I’m not.

Actually, most times, I’m not.

BUT there is a trick to this game

and its the fact that it isn’t a game at all

it was never meant to be

because God is not sneaky

he does not hide answers.

nor does he hold truth out of reach.

the trick is focusing on truth #1


committing, exploring, questioning, seeking, and loving the truth I KNOW
first and foremost.

because here is the deal:
the other two options, the truth and lie,
are mostly about me.

and if just finding the answer is my focus

then the truth I know, the truth of Christ, will slowly fade out of focus,
making me the focal point.

making me apathetic towards what is now the blurred background

starved for my own satisfaction
making myself the root of my joy

looking for my own answers
Honestly, getting nowhere.

but if I burrow in Christ,

burrow in this overarching truth,

then somewhere buried within love,

when I am waist deep in mercy,
humility, and surrender;
glorifying the one who is MORE than worthy of this time I’m wasting looking for something else.

it is THERE that the other truth I am looking for is found.
and it will creep in unknowingly; its entrance will hardly be noticed.
I won’t realize that I now have what I was previously looking so hard for

because I will be so focused on Christ it doesn't matter.
and that’s how it should be.

the weekend of many ages

Thursday night I drove to my parent’s house
and it was the first time I ever referenced it as my parent’s house, not mine
Maybe its because I didn’t live in that house long anyways
or that I’ve been in Nac longer than I stayed there
either way It was strange for those words to come out of my mouth.
I felt about 22

Then I woke up and drove to Lake Charles for a SAGE conference
I woke up early and drove responsibly
all I used to get there was a map of Texas and my new found sense of direction
I even got a phone call from work and had to tell them I wasn’t on call that weekend
I felt independent
I felt about 25

I parked my car at the church
stretched for a second and yawned
smiled as I saw the note from my dad in the passenger seat
I got out of the car and hopped to the ground
a raisin and a peanut fell out of my shirt
I felt about 7

Later on I was riding in the back seat of a car
two women were having conversation in the front seat
I stared at my shoes and out at the moon
forgetting that they were talking to me too
forgetting that I was now old enough to participate in the conversation
I felt about 13

I got to the hotel room late
everyone else was asleep
I needed to shower
I put one foot in and fell down
I got back up slowly and my knees popped and cracked
I felt about 70

Most of the weekend though,
I sat around godly women
in the midst of good conversation
sometimes contributing
sometimes soaking it up
appreciating the wisdom in front of me
applying it to my life
growing into who I am
learning
I felt my age