Self Portrait

A time, a place, a state of heart,
an ever fleeting work of art.
I love, I lose, I fall apart,
You pick up pieces; recapture, restart.

Desire to stay, desire to go,
But still, desire, I hardly know.
So torn between the things I claim,
The things that I want; such a selfish game.

Within this flesh I lie awake,
But dead to it, yearning, I wait.
I am at home; home I am not
A relative term (that’s what I’ve been taught).

Use me, love me, and know me still
Despite what I want, I do want your will.
While I am here, here I am yours
So today, it is you I will choose to adore.

The Carls

This is only a third of them, but I'm obsessed with this family.

Sisters

brothers

Zach

Amy

Unacknowledged Resemblance

The Experiment

A Journal Misplaced (Hyperbole and a Half Tribute)

It was Sunday night. I was driving home from an evening of

Crosspoint and hanging out with friends.

Content. Reflecting on my weekend. Enjoying the car ride. Even singing some.

Suddenly, I glanced over to my passenger seat

and noticed that not everything had made its way back into my car.

Purse, Check. Phone, Check. Bible&Journal...

NOT THERE.

I was slightly worried

I couldn't remember leaving it anywhere, but surely it was somewhere safe.

I decided to worry about in the morning.

So that next morning

I remembered that I had probably left it at my friends house.

The yellow house.

Nice girls live there.

I love them.

I expected to walk in and it be there on the table.

Unfortunately, this was NOT the case.

It went a little something like this.

I then immediately checked all the alternative places it could possibly be.

Sad and defeated, I left the house and got back in my car.

While in my car, I realized that this was bigger than just not having my journal.

This means that my journal was floating out there somewhere!

All those secret thoughts and words!

Likely to fall in the hands of strangers.. or even friends!

I sat there, letting fear overtake my mind.

I became quite distraught.

And although I wish I could tell you this has a happy ending,

Unfortunately, that is not the story my friends.

My journal is still somewhere out there.

Helpless, scared, and alone.

two truths and a lie(s)

It is a nice little game I play every morning when I wake up
it goes like this.
3 options. Two true. One not. Now figure it out.

truth #1: the gospel. Jesus. Who Christ is, what he has done, the overarching truth. It never fails; it never changes. I can always identify it and I don’t doubt it.

truth #2: the truth about me. the truth about: who I am in Christ, where I am with Christ, where He wants me, how He values me, what He has placed in me, the way He has made me to glorify Him.

lie #1: the lie about me. The lie about: who I am, where I should be, where my value lies, how I don’t measure up, the state of my heart. It’s more than one lie. It’s usually multiple lies. Satan’s the author and he is terribly convincing.

Now…

Truth #1 is hardly doubted, its a constant.
then there is a choice to make between Truth #2 and Lie #1. They aren’t usually labeled like this, so deciphering them is difficult. Most days I try to make the choice on my own:

comparing the two,

drawing conclusions,

making assumptions,

all from my own wisdom.

Sometimes I’m wise enough to guess correctly.

sometimes, I’m not.

Actually, most times, I’m not.

BUT there is a trick to this game

and its the fact that it isn’t a game at all

it was never meant to be

because God is not sneaky

he does not hide answers.

nor does he hold truth out of reach.

the trick is focusing on truth #1


committing, exploring, questioning, seeking, and loving the truth I KNOW
first and foremost.

because here is the deal:
the other two options, the truth and lie,
are mostly about me.

and if just finding the answer is my focus

then the truth I know, the truth of Christ, will slowly fade out of focus,
making me the focal point.

making me apathetic towards what is now the blurred background

starved for my own satisfaction
making myself the root of my joy

looking for my own answers
Honestly, getting nowhere.

but if I burrow in Christ,

burrow in this overarching truth,

then somewhere buried within love,

when I am waist deep in mercy,
humility, and surrender;
glorifying the one who is MORE than worthy of this time I’m wasting looking for something else.

it is THERE that the other truth I am looking for is found.
and it will creep in unknowingly; its entrance will hardly be noticed.
I won’t realize that I now have what I was previously looking so hard for

because I will be so focused on Christ it doesn't matter.
and that’s how it should be.

the weekend of many ages

Thursday night I drove to my parent’s house
and it was the first time I ever referenced it as my parent’s house, not mine
Maybe its because I didn’t live in that house long anyways
or that I’ve been in Nac longer than I stayed there
either way It was strange for those words to come out of my mouth.
I felt about 22

Then I woke up and drove to Lake Charles for a SAGE conference
I woke up early and drove responsibly
all I used to get there was a map of Texas and my new found sense of direction
I even got a phone call from work and had to tell them I wasn’t on call that weekend
I felt independent
I felt about 25

I parked my car at the church
stretched for a second and yawned
smiled as I saw the note from my dad in the passenger seat
I got out of the car and hopped to the ground
a raisin and a peanut fell out of my shirt
I felt about 7

Later on I was riding in the back seat of a car
two women were having conversation in the front seat
I stared at my shoes and out at the moon
forgetting that they were talking to me too
forgetting that I was now old enough to participate in the conversation
I felt about 13

I got to the hotel room late
everyone else was asleep
I needed to shower
I put one foot in and fell down
I got back up slowly and my knees popped and cracked
I felt about 70

Most of the weekend though,
I sat around godly women
in the midst of good conversation
sometimes contributing
sometimes soaking it up
appreciating the wisdom in front of me
applying it to my life
growing into who I am
learning
I felt my age

journals

The thing about new journals

is that they have to earn your trust.

The old ones gained it long ago

after months of awkward sentences,

and maybe some tears as well.

Over the years, the pages became familiar,

off-white, ink smeared memories.

But this new one still seems questionable.

It might lose your words.

You can’t quite rely on these pages.

If you happen to write too close to the edges,

the words may fall off the paper

and into the cracks of couches and pews

eventually found by a stranger

who won’t appreciate or understand them.

And it may not take you seriously either.

What if it laughs at you?

Doubling-over, flipping open, and sending words flying

in all different directions,

landing on people and in places,

making you embarrassed.

Maybe, though,

we should give it the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe it will be faithful,

and sit quietly on desks and passenger seats

next to full coffee cups,

waiting for your honesty, patiently

like a good journal would.

Appreciating your heart in word form

holding it captive,

keeping it safe,

and reflecting it back to you.

poem by me

idea from teysha

how inclement weather bonds us all

Today, as I walked outside into the the 25 degree morning I was immediately struck by a biting wind from the right of me that seemed to scream “YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN YOUR WARM BED!” And although I did like the idea of being in my warm bed, I thought that would have been a waste of the day. So I drew my arms in, stuck my hands into my scarf, and walked with purpose, thinking only of the heated Mckibben building ahead.

As I went on throughout my day I began to notice something strange.
People always talk and interact when its miserable outside!

It’s a conversation starter. I can’t tell you how many times I made conversation with the phrase “its cold!” or “you can’t feel the tips of your ears either?!”
Such obvious statements. We honestly sort of sound like idiots, but since its something everyone is experiencing at the same time it feels ok to say out loud.
It gives us a common ground.

I even gave and got more smiles from strangers today. They were like brief unspoken motivational interactions. Behind our watering eyes and runny noses, that small smile meant “I don’t know you, BUT we can DO THIS, we will not freeze, we WILL make it to class.”

These interactions just don’t happen much on regular days.
No one walks around making conversation in 73 degree weather by saying
“its quite mediocre outside!” That’s just awkward.

So even though I forgot my gloves, the wind felt like needles, and it didn’t even snow to make the cold worth it, I liked today; I liked the atmosphere (pun).