journals

The thing about new journals

is that they have to earn your trust.

The old ones gained it long ago

after months of awkward sentences,

and maybe some tears as well.

Over the years, the pages became familiar,

off-white, ink smeared memories.

But this new one still seems questionable.

It might lose your words.

You can’t quite rely on these pages.

If you happen to write too close to the edges,

the words may fall off the paper

and into the cracks of couches and pews

eventually found by a stranger

who won’t appreciate or understand them.

And it may not take you seriously either.

What if it laughs at you?

Doubling-over, flipping open, and sending words flying

in all different directions,

landing on people and in places,

making you embarrassed.

Maybe, though,

we should give it the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe it will be faithful,

and sit quietly on desks and passenger seats

next to full coffee cups,

waiting for your honesty, patiently

like a good journal would.

Appreciating your heart in word form

holding it captive,

keeping it safe,

and reflecting it back to you.

poem by me

idea from teysha

how inclement weather bonds us all

Today, as I walked outside into the the 25 degree morning I was immediately struck by a biting wind from the right of me that seemed to scream “YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN YOUR WARM BED!” And although I did like the idea of being in my warm bed, I thought that would have been a waste of the day. So I drew my arms in, stuck my hands into my scarf, and walked with purpose, thinking only of the heated Mckibben building ahead.

As I went on throughout my day I began to notice something strange.
People always talk and interact when its miserable outside!

It’s a conversation starter. I can’t tell you how many times I made conversation with the phrase “its cold!” or “you can’t feel the tips of your ears either?!”
Such obvious statements. We honestly sort of sound like idiots, but since its something everyone is experiencing at the same time it feels ok to say out loud.
It gives us a common ground.

I even gave and got more smiles from strangers today. They were like brief unspoken motivational interactions. Behind our watering eyes and runny noses, that small smile meant “I don’t know you, BUT we can DO THIS, we will not freeze, we WILL make it to class.”

These interactions just don’t happen much on regular days.
No one walks around making conversation in 73 degree weather by saying
“its quite mediocre outside!” That’s just awkward.

So even though I forgot my gloves, the wind felt like needles, and it didn’t even snow to make the cold worth it, I liked today; I liked the atmosphere (pun).

Within A Year

I must admit that usually I approach the year-reflective-blog with a scoff and an eye-roll. Also, I find new years resolutions to be nothing more than lame excuses to bring up something you probably should have started doing back in August. I’m practically the Scrooge of New Years. I’m usually just in it for the exploding multi-colored fire madness in the sky. But, alas, I have changed my way of thinking. Maybe it is wise to reflect and to set goals, it is potential fuel for growth! I’m a fan of growth. So I publically apologize for secretly rolling my eyes on the inside at you when you’ve told me your resolutions or gave me a reflection of your year. I am taking a new approach.

So as I reflected, I thought mainly of the hard things. Honestly, they seemed to outweigh everything else. Then, I dwelled on the growth from those hard things. Then how those hard things eventually produced good things… even the hard things that I made hard for myself (which is a very vague way of saying... ‘even my sin’). I remember at one point, sometime in early November, walking with a friend who genuinely asked how I was doing on just the right day and I surprisingly held back nothing. My heart unexpectedly threw up March-Present Day all over her. I got done and felt a little embarrassed about the amount of raw emotion I had just thrown in her direction. I did NOT want the “I-don’t-know-what-to-say-so-I’ll-say-sorry” response, but I assumed that’s what was about to come. Instead, she looked at me, gave me a sweet sympathetic smile, rubbed my arm and said, “Well… praise God and His perfect timing.” And she was not being sarcastic. I distinctly remember the agony of having to refrain from making the most condescending and confused face I could muster up. But now I see just how much truth was in that statement. All I did after she said it was nod, half-smile, and agree. But it took longer to transfer it from knowledge to belief. I think that has to be one big theme for most of this past year: the movement of truth from my head to my heart. Things like the fact that: He does have perfect timing (because perfect has nothing to do with pleasant); His mercies are really new every morning; He is actually bigger; and most importantly…

Falling deeply in love with Christ is beyond worth what it takes to get to there. And now I have this bird’s eye view of the time that has passed. I am able to look at where I am, where I was, where my heart broke, where I mended, where I fell, how I got up, where I was a fool, the moment I realized the state of my heart, how I gained wisdom, the times I burrowed in the word, what I learned. The peace I gained from not looking for answers, but being content with the fact that God orchestrated each moment according to purpose and nothing was even slightly surprising to Him, is something I cannot explain. I would honestly be willing and obedient to endure those hard things over again if it meant more glory for His kingdom, even if I gained nothing. He absolutely deserves it.

So that is my reflection.
I don’t have many resolutions yet. I’ve been anti-resolution for so long that I really need to think long and hard about them before I make them. BUT to end this on a lighter note, I will now inform you of ten semi-cool/funny/interesting things that happened in 2010. Mostly for fun, but also to make up for the lack of resolutions and the heavy dose of reflection in the paragraphs above, also to let you know, my life didn’t just suck last year, it really did involve doses of exciting, absurd, and laughable moments.

I bought my first pair of TOMS.
(Burlap with gray, yeah yeah!)

I went to Africa.
(First time to fly out of the country)

I threw up for the first time in ten years.
(on someone’s bushes, a parking lot, a community bathroom, and kitchen pot… all within six hours)

I saw Canada from across a lake, a pretty great lake I might add.
(then threw someone else’s Frisbee into that pretty great lake… oops)

I pierced my nose
(I did it! I was tough… and a friend held my hand.)

I got hit by a car while walking.
(no major injuries, just some bruises; she wasn’t going fast, but she was texting.)

I went spelunking in Missouri.
(hilarious story, you can read about it right here!)

I got a second-degree burn all over my hand
(boiling water and skin should never unite)

I had more coffee than water.
(I wish I was joking)

I started this blog,
(good decision, thank you Liz)

willing to be worthy

Recently, I found myself sitting in a very large crowd,
listening to the Holy Spirit go straight for my heart.

He spoke firmly, but softly.
Tossing very weighted words at me gently.
There were tears, but only because when the Holy Spirit speaks like that, it’s really the only appropriate reaction.
I wasn’t thriving off of emotion; I was thriving off a command.
A command that was eloquently spoken through a man of God who has wisdom, incredible stories, and insight, but that can also be perfectly summed up into one statement:

live a life worthy of the gospel.

Afterwards, I could have spent the next hour talking about my feelings,
but I felt it more fitting to spend that time in prayer.

Somewhere within the prayer, I said the following
“If I do not seriously begin to pursue you and share you, then please take me, because I desperately don’t want to be a waste of your glory.”

It was a difficult thing to write down.
I let it sink into the pages and into my heart before I got up.

As I got up I noticed a girl a few yards away to my right and heard God speak

“pray for her.“

So as I stood I began to pray for her and walk away.

“NO, pray for her.”

I knew what he meant, but I was already halfway past her. Plus, she was obviously older than I, early 30's, and I noticed she had on a volunteer t-shirt. Praying from a distance seemed fully sufficient. I've prayed for strangers before, it wasn't fear, I was just too comfortable with justifying my reasons for not approaching her. Awkwardness. Inconvenience.

I got a few feet farther and my legs went still.

“If you are not even willing to pray over a fellow believer when I ask, then what are you willing to do for me?”

My heart dropped and pressed down against my stomach and ribs. The weight of what I had just written in my journal became unbearable. I turned around immediately and did what he asked with a unsteady voice and barely dry eyes. I take no credit or pride in it. In fact, I’m overwhelmingly ashamed that I obeyed out of fear and not desire.

To see how easily I was able to question and ignore a demand from the God that allows me each breath was sobering. For the first time I understand what willingness looks like, and I see how much I severely lack it. I want to live a life worthy of the gospel, but that is a fruitless desire if I don't have the willingness to do whatever that entails.

I hope He never has to ask me that question again.
but I’m thankful that He did.

Hidden Agenda Dog

My family has a dog back home named Bandit.

I only like him late at night... when he is sleeping.

Sometimes I even let him crash at the foot of my bed,

but only if he doesn't make smacking noises, and I'm feeling extra compassionate.

He fits the dog version of the nice, but slightly strange and suspicious person

that no one suspects to be guilty except that one person no one listens to.

Then the person lashes out and the person who claimed it would happen all along is standing there, not surprised in the least bit, saying... I told you so.

Well he is that dog and I am that one person.

During the day he barks and growls at nothing.

and I mean nothing, just to make people mad I'm sure.

He also goes to corners, props himself up on his back legs, and sniffs his paws.

Which is really, really weird.

And he licks everything in site

carpet, chair legs, couch, me, everyone.

And he doesn't play with his toys like a normal dog

He goes to another corner, bites them really hard, then just lays there without moving a muscle, staring at the wall, with his teeth gritted around the toy... for at least fifteen minutes straight.

He also doesn't ever listen.

When you tell him no, he looks at you for two seconds

then goes back to what he is doing while still staring at you.

He knows he is bad, and he tries to play the cute card

with his puppy eyes and little ears.

And when he gets caught, he decides to shake like a chihuahua,

which for some reason makes everyone feel sorry for him.

He is cute, I will give him that, but this dog has a hidden agenda!

He is tricking everyone but me! I know what this dog is really up to!

I shall prove it to you now.

This is how my family sees the dog.

This is how I see the dog.

Lucky for me, I got a photo in just the right moment.

Do not be fooled my friends.

Hidden agenda puppy is going to strike soon.

I'm just sure of it.

While sleepless from coffee intake, I reflect on my inspiring weekend adventures.

Today I feel profound. Do you ever have those mid-afternoons? Where you think more deeply. You could stare at your toothbrush too long and somehow it would become the source of a new analogy on life, or you feel the need to write everything down, otherwise you might forget it and not be wise enough to remember it tomorrow. For me, this feeling is sort of a spill over from yesterday, but yesterday I didn’t have much time to be profound. Yesterday I was too busy being creative.

It really all started at lunch with my dad. We had good conversation. About the gospel and how to really share it, family, art, music, my recent thoughts on Donald Miller, how I really want go to Portland now (at which, he laughed), and a few other things. Good conversation makes me feel like I can conquer the world. I don’t know why. It’s like coffee for my soul or something.

After that I ran to Hobby Lobby. I walked in with intent on buying a canvas for my father like he asked. Now usually I can walk in and out of that store and be fine, but once every 8 visits or so, when I’ve had one of those profound days with good conversation, I go in and as the automatic doors open and that odd potpourri and stale holiday smell hits me, I think to myself “today I will unleash all my unknown talents!” Then there is this dramatic music that comes from nowhere and I go with confidence over to the sketchpad and drawing pencil isles and say, “I shall draw like I’ve never drawn before!” Which is an accurate statement, because I never draw. Then I spend twenty minutes picking something out and pretending I know what I am doing. I do a jig (yes, a jig, hip movement and all) over to the checkout with a ridiculous smile, make conversation, and wonder about the cashier’s real life outside of her lovely vest and nametag. Then I think about this one friend I have that used to work at Hobby Lobby and how one time before we had ever met, I smiled, made conversation, and wondered about her real life outside the vest as she checked me out as well. I remember thinking mostly about how I liked her glasses, but debated on telling her or not. Such a strangely specific memory.

I snap out of my odd daydream and make my way outside. I can hear the birds chirping in unison, but then something happens when I get in my car. The music stops and it doesn’t smell like holiday anymore. I stare at the bag now sitting in my passenger seat, taunting me, and take a moment to figure out what just took over my body and convinced my to buy this. I swear my own car is laughing at my by this point.

I feel very silly now as I make the long journey home. So silly, in fact, that I don’t feel cool enough for my alternative choice in music, so I turn on the radio. I think about giving the supplies to my sister, who would probably use it more than I would, considering she’s actually in art classes.

I hear the sounds of Katy Perry at a very low volume, sigh, glance to my right, and peeking out from underneath the bag is the corner of Blue Like Jazz and my bible. I am suddenly reminded of lunch with my dad. Words begin to fly around me at lightening speed, Christ! Journal! Poetry! Cool books! Camera! Music! Cats!! PORTLAND(?)!!!

I am suddenly inspired again. Inspired enough to turn on Beirut, and to sing very loudly about an Impossible Soul. Also, to draw things, maybe not like I’ve never drawn before, but probably how I always have.

So now that creativity has had a nice little stretch and yawn, today I am inspired to read and write. I have time for books and thoughts now. I shall think like I’ve never thought before! I'll even blog about it!

Just don’t let me go to the bookstore.

thoughts on cats

along with my twenty or so revelations about myself, the Lord, and the world which I couldn't even possibly start to unravel because of lack of motivation and my inability to put them into sentence form, there have been some smaller scale changes to my way of thinking.

Cats, I have always said I don't like them. Probably because I felt a strong sense of loyalty to my dog Carmel, who once was injured by a bitter cat named April. Carmel was merely trying to be loving, there was no need for claws. I was there, I would know. I also have said I don't like them to be cool. Its cool to not like cats sometimes. And i've said it to be original as well, because sometimes its not cool to not like cats and that makes me different. Which is also cool.

Really, I have just used this whole opinion to my advantage.

I was sitting contemplating my actual opinion of cats, really trying to dig down to the root of it all and I felt as though it would need to give them a chance to figure this out. So while at a friends house I sat next to her cat, Mikey. I wanted to sit by him first just to let him know I was interested in maybe getting closer. He turned his head up and looked at me. I waved and made my way over to his cushion. His head went back down. I did not know what that meant but I kept going. I began to pet him. We cuddled a bit. He was quite soft. Then he began to purr. I really felt like we were bonding. We bonded for a while, probably twenty minutes. Then out of nowhere he bit my hand. The same hand that had been making him purr for twenty minutes. I pulled away and yelled "who do you think you are?" Then I felt stupid because I had just yelled at a cat in a room by myself, halfway expecting an answer back. He put his head back down stretched, and repositioned then hit my hand with his paw and looked at me as if to say "why did you stop petting me?" Sassy-pants cat had quite the nerve. But then it suddenly occurred to me, maybe this is a test of loyalty! Some kind of cat initiation! He had probably sensed that I was new at this and wanted to know if I was in or out. I can't ride the fence on these things. Clever cat, he was really just helping me in my decision process.

So I decided I am in. They aren't so bad. They don't lick much and they are nice to cuddle. The purring thing is neat as well. So now I kind of like cats, and not just because it might be cool.

oh, and this is mikey...